Disciplinary challenges and strategies by age

Your kiddo is learning and growing every day. It’s a wonderful thing, but it can also make it hard to know what disciplinary strategy is best. Dr. Gaydos explains the unique challenges and opportunities that you’ll encounter as your little one develops.

As you read, keep in mind:

• Not all children develop in the same way or at the same time — and that’s OK. Take what works from this framework and leave what doesn’t.
• Our brains don’t finish developing until well into adulthood. So, don’t expect your child to have the same reasoning skills or worldview you have. Even for teenagers, that’s still a way away!

Babies (0–12 months)

Discipline isn’t a big concern with infants, because … well, they can’t do much. That doesn’t mean infants won’t try your patience. They will. But they aren’t old enough to correct in a meaningful or lasting way. They’re still learning about their environment, so many of their day-to-day experiences are new.

With newborns and infants, your focus is protecting them from danger. For example, if your little one tries to grab your hot coffee cup, you might say “Hot! Ouch!” or hand them something safe to play with. Dr. Gaydos also recommends modeling good behaviors, like gently petting the cat. If you’re lucky (rather, if the cat’s lucky) they’ll mimic you.

Toddlers (1–3 years)

Toddlers test boundaries. They still want and need attention, but they go about getting it slightly differently than they used to. Backtalking, saying no, making demands and even biting — Dr. Gaydos says it’s all part of a larger effort to build an identity and claim independence.

Toddlers have big ideas and even bigger feelings. But they lack the words and emotional regulation skills needed to communicate clearly. That frustration leads to tantrums and aggression.

Parenting a toddler can be tough. But staying calm, helping them express themselves, distracting them and strategic use of time outs can help manage the chaos.

Preschoolers (3–5 years)

Once your kiddo is preschool-age, they can better understand cause and effect and communicate thoughts and feelings more effectively. And so do their friends! Expect conflicts do arise as preschool-age children learn how to interact, follow directions and pay attention.

While their emotional regulation skills have improved since toddlerdom, preschoolers aren’t masters of self-expression. And they’re still working on concentration and self-control. Anticipate plenty of whining and frustration at this age. You can also expect lots of imaginative storytelling and — as they don’t fully understand the difference between right and wrong — outright lying.

According to Dr. Gaydos, this is a great time to build routines, set expectations, reward positive behaviors and establish consequences for misbehavior. But your kid is still young. You’ll need to show them, remind them and explain repeatedly. And they’ll still have occasional issues behaving or following through.

School-age children (5–12 years)

Once you have a school-age child, discipline can be a more co-creative activity. That means meaningful conversations with your kid about right and wrong, what it means to be in a family, what privileges and responsibilities are, how every action comes with consequences — all that good stuff.

But it’s not all rainbows and roses. The older children get, the more individualistic and independent they become, which can lead to power struggles and disobedience.

Your child’s still doing the hard work of figuring out who they are and what it means to be a responsible, ethical person. Dr. Gaydos recommends offering them plenty of opportunities to reflect — and doling out “do-overs” whenever possible.

“Let them make decisions, take on new responsibilities and face new challenges,” he advises. “Making mistakes is how they learn.”

Teenagers (12–18 years)

Oh, teenagerdom. Wasn’t it fun? The raging hormones, outsized emotions, peer pressure and demands on your mental health. Wouldn’t you love to go back and do it all again?

Yeah, we didn’t think so.

Parenting a tween or teen is all about push and pull. Your child needs to make decisions, be independent and try new things. But they also need attention, clear boundaries, unconditional support and guidance. Neither of you is going to strike the perfect balance all the time. That’s why Dr. Gaydos says active listening and clear, respectful communication is crucial.

Most teenagers occasionally break rules, challenge authority and make impulsive decisions. Minimize the damage by building a relationship based on mutual respect and trust. Teens who feel they can confide in and confess to a parent still make plenty of mistakes — it’s practically their job. But they’re less likely to magnify their problems by hiding them.